Something's about me

I went for a long walk today... looking at the clock; about three hours long. Here are my notes:

-I love honeysuckle, the smell, the taste, but I don't like the man-made flavors and smells of the same.

-When I say I love something or someone I mean it wholly and completely. There are levels, but I mean it. It starts at "I thouroughly enjoy" and goes all the way up to "I want to spend the rest of my life with you"

-I also mean "I'm thankful for your presence... I'm really happy to be with you... I need your love... I'm really really happy right now." When I say I love you. But sometimes it just comes out... I love you.

-I hate using the word hate, especially when it pertains to people, but I hear myself using it.

-The words "stuff" and "things" should really never be used, they're so formless and vague.

-I don't understand why in nature it's the male that gets all gussied and has to constantly impress the female and only in metroplitan cities is it fairly similar in human form.

-I wish I were as organized and as driven as my sister. But I'm thankful and appreciative for my silliness, my carefree ability and my childlike attitude to life.

-Though I take this to be one of my downfalls in contributing "properly" to society.

-I love going for long walks in the woods around my house, I like to pretend/hope that I'll get lost and come out the other side into renaissance times in Italy or England... well a renaissance fair at the least. Or an english garden, now.

-I rarely get lost. I have visual maps inside my head of where everything is, It's like I have a visual GPS in my head, with an aerial view.

-I also have this visual weekly calander in my head, two weeks at a time, they're on this track where they loop. It's a black background and neon green/yellow boxes. And I have to see the week in my head and which part of the loop it's on to know where I am and what's happening tomorrow and thereafter etc. Weird, not colors I really care for, but it's always been there and I've only really noticed it in the past 5 years of my existence.

-I love learning someone and being learned by them. I feel that for as much as we stay the same we are beings who constantly change/morph/evolve and therefore need to be constantly learning those whom we love.

-I wish that I had a voice that came as easily or as beautiful as Linda Ronstadt.

-I love conversations. Actual here's me - what about you - conversations. I love to express but I love hearing someone I care about express something about themselves.

-I crave eye contact. Deep and real. I love being really seen and appreciated for my presense.

-I find it ricrazy (much like ridiculous only another level) that I have animals living inside my house. Granted they are animals that haven't been wild in centuries and centuries... well one of them for at least three years... but still - they are ... animals. Roaming my halls, pouncing and licking my face. Currently quietly creeping across my computer screen like if she moves slowly enough I won't see her. Ricrazy, I'm saying.

-I love playing tennis, baseball, raquetball, kickball and tag. Anything where I run around chasing things or someone chases me - this, I say, is fun.

-I miss tag.

-I feel that children are happier because they are physical without duress or body image scrutiny. They play. Remember PLAY... as in "Hi Mrs. ---- Can ---- come out and play?"

-I miss Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Bright, My Little Pony, Cabbage Patch Dolls, Hello Kitty and Jem in their purest, unadalterated, un-retro'd and uncommercialized forms, and in their original colors and materials.

-I love real old time lunch boxes, none of these new retro-fied boxes. Just because it's trendy now, that... annoys me.

-I had a Knight Rider Big Wheel. That thing rocked.

-I used to have a book with sliding frames and pop-outs and I used to carry it EVERYwhere and pretend it was like Penny's book on Inspector Gadget. I love having all the asnwers and frequently try to come up with them... even if I don't know them. Not that I lie... I just try.

-I love movies, tv shows and books with female characters who are both creative and productive, for I am rarely both at the same time.

-I hate doing laundry and putting it away. Mostly the latter. I feel my Love really likes this, when he has the time. He loves folding very properly. I also feel my Love may have some OCD tendencies.

-I love the sound of a bat hitting ball on a spring evening with people milling about out in the open taking advantage of that rare month when it's not too cold and it's not too hot to be ... out.

-I Love picnics and outdoor concerts.

-I love participating in society and my community. I work at a coffee shop and I have many regulars whom I heart and who seem to enjoy myself and my silliness and my smile.

-I have a vast array of friends, in the respect that they are all really different from each other. Some very much alike - so much that they can't stand the other that they share similarities with.
BUT - I don't think there's any one of them that has seen every side of me. There are a small handfull that have seen MOST sides. And one who has seen most all. But I don't think there's anyone out there that really knows it all. Which has got to be the greatest irony of my life, because if there's one thing that everyone knows about me it's that anyone could know "everything" about me b/c I love ... lerv... lervvvvvvv communicating about my life and what's going on in and around it.

But it never all comes out and I think people don't realize that.

-Someone like Christina Applegate or Chelsea Handler said that marraige should be like a drivers license, every 4 years it should expire so you have to make a desicion to stay or go every 4 years. I think this is brilliant b/c it's not so much as not loving or wanting to stay with that person - but I think people too often think that the wedding and the marraige means you can stop trying to impress, to court, to actively love the other person.

-I love to be actively loved. And I adore actively loving. Notes, poems, shared thoughts, shared experiences, emails, letters, picnics, nicknames, words of devotion, acts of kindness and affection.

-I think long term relationships are like stars in the night sky. When you look right at it for too long you start to lose it in the sky, it's brightness fades and dims, but if you look just to the left or the right, all of a sudden it's brighter -always was just as bright, actually, but you were taking it for granted. I think that happens to all of us.

-The trick, how to keep that star burning bright to you. Despite how bright it constantly shines.

-A nickname of mine (of my three favorites alltime) is Ketchup. Once we were at an IHOP (one of the most condiment complete resturants) and I asked my Love which one he would be, if he were, infact, a condiment. He said pepper because "I'm spicy!" And I asked; "which would I be?" and he said "Ketchup... because ketchup goes with everything." My love can be good with the words.

-I love a good grilled cheese sandwhich.

-My dad used to make them for my sister and I, and we'd eat them on blood-orange tv trays whilst watching midday shows on Nickelodeon and TNT (before TBS before Comedy Central, before we had the Disney Channel) like Clarence the Crosseyed Lion, David the Gnome, Lil' Bits, Little House on the Prairie, Pinwheel, and some sort of animated fairy tale series that I think was anime based, now that I look back on it.

-My sister spent hours playing our Nintendo while I'd get bored and spend hours watching TV and Movies. She's a math wiz and logical and shit... and I'm an actress. I think these events all coincide with each other.

-I yearn to be part of something big. Something so big that everyone involved and witnessing it forgets all that keeps us apart as human beings competing for survival of the funniest, prettiest, fastest, smartest, strongest, thinist, richest beings - and for a time; be it minutes, hours or years, for the time that we're all together experiencing and being - together, it all falls away and we're all just together, cohorting and cohesive and fun.

-My memories and stored life moments live within sounds, smells, breezes, sunsets and varying degrees of sunlight bouncing off of trees and buildings at varying times of the year. And the right pattern of sigh and smell and sound and tough and taste can bring it all back in an instant.

-I'm so thankful I had a family growing up. People I could go to, cry in their arms or fall asleep against after hard and thankless days. People whom I looked up to who told me that I was smart, pretty, funny and good. It's amazing how much those tiny moments from what seems like so long ago - matter to me in the moments when life is at its toughest.

-I spend a lot of time, less than I used too, but a lot of time thinking about being somewhere other than I am, somewhere far away, new or well known, with the ones or one that I love. I think this is why I love renn fairs and theme parks, they're all solitary modes of transportation.

-I love experiencing something with my loves and my Love as much as a good conversation. Once we were at a theme park (I LOVE theme parks) and he wanted to go on a REALLY terrifying looking ride that just went straight up and straight down again (the two things I'm not really big on in rides, lovin' the loops, not so much the ups and the drops) and he knew what he was doing (we've established, good with the words) and as I stood and professed I would never get on it in a million lifetimes he looked at me and said "I just really wanted to experience it with you." jackass. I got on it and it was awesome. I wouldn't have done it for anyone else though. We rode it again like two more times.

-I love the image of activity field lights on against a blue sky at twilight.

-I love trees. I literally have hugged them before. I love to just lay my hand on them and touch them as I walk by. I feel an energy from them. I like to wonder at the ages of forests.

-I love the silhouettes of trees against that same blue sky as dusk and twilight mingle together and then engulf the stark trees into fuzzy darkness.

-I love cardinals because my dad and sister have an inside joke about them.

-I love full on hugs. Same with handshakes, ugh, I really don't like limp wristed handshakes. A limp writested handshake is like saying something mean, if you don't have a firm one you shouldn't be shaking at all. creepy.

-But I love full on hugs. It's the first ... one of the first... nope, I lie... the first thing that drew me to my Love. He was in silhouette at twilight hugging his then girlfriend (we've known each other since we were kids) and I saw how hard and true he held her and I thought "wow, I want to be held like that by some magnificent man one day" I suppose that's a reason I love hanging out with actors so much, there aren't many of us that don't hug well. Full emoters to the extreme in many languages, body and tongue.

-I love expressing my emotions to their hilt, or to the hilt that I feel them. I really can't stand to be told to calm down when it's from a place where you aren't acknowledging that my feelings are to be validated. But when it's neccessary I need it.

-The best way to calm me down is just to hold me tight.

-I love to be touched (is that evident yet) in all the various forms (minus violent) that that comes in. Cuddling is like my alcohol. And I am a cuddle-holic.

-I have recently realized that other people in the world... just people period, find me sexy. I have always been cute, sey is something for the likes of Megan Fox, or so you're lead to believe by the wonderous media that pummels us daily. And I like it. I'm a bit taken back, a little incredulous at the start, but I like it and I feel it when I'm told it.

-I love lyrics to songs like Simon and Garfunkels and just Simon's. As in I would love to print them and put them up all over my house.

-Kathy's Song is printed and sittting in a frame on my bedside table.

-I love being English, and Pennsylvania Dutch. They both live inside of me, in a deep and real place where your heritage lies, when you've been raised to live it and respect and acknowledge it.

-My Pennsylvania Dutch Grandfather used to call my sister and I Dutch when we were being mischevious. "You're Dutch" I didn't really know what it meant, still don't. But we loved it.

-My British Great Grandfather always had cookies (biscuits) on the mantel when we came for a visit (most likely Nanny's doing, not his) but I always remember there being pink ones. And He'd say "Pink makes the boys wink." and smile and giggle with us.

-My father always told my sister and I that we were going to break a lot of hearts and be knockouts one day.

-He also told me never to grow up to be a woman, never get fat and never try to change a man. And never be with a man who made fun of me or made me feel bad about myself.

-Yeah that first one used to confuse the crap out of me too. No wonder I was a tomboy for years and still consider myself the son my father never had.

-I learned how to drive on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, in a Ford Taurus. Jersey walls to the left, Big rigs to the right... terrifying. I am fearless in traffic. And a little dangerous.

-I was a much better driver the first three years I began driving than I am now.

-I love being outside.

-I love The Neverending Story, Princess Bride, The Labyrinth, Singing In The Rain, Shall We Dance (Rogers and Astaire), Summer Stock (Kelly and Garland), and any movie with Danny Kaye.

-I'd love to be a standup comedian - not full time, but to have that under my belt.

-I love water - my middle name is lynne - which means waterfall in Welsh. I love Brooklyn b/c it's brooklyn - and my Penn Dutch grandparents lived there in the '30s. He hated it, she loved it. I'm like her in a few ways. But when you break it down it's Brook -Lyn. Water.

-I live less than a mile from one of the 5 largest rivers in the U.S.

-I love sunsets over water. The beach, lakes, rivers.

-Every year on my birthday I sit down and write a poem basically just like this, talking about me and my life at that moment. I never finished last years, it just didn't come to me. Maybe this makes up for it.

-I think I'm done now.


Thanks for reading... it means a lot.